I had a very intense experience a few days ago that I couldn’t seem to shake. It concerned me that after two days I was still thinking about it. When I told my friend Toni (a very skilled therapist and coach) about it, she said I OE’d. I must admit I have heard of people OD’ing but not OE’ing, so probing further I learned a brand new term. OE’ing meant that I was suffering from Over Empathizing with a situation.
The personal growth lessons are piling up as I calm down. I was inspired to put together some very practical and valuable tips to share and pass on to friends and colleagues. The event also made me wonder how many people that work in customer service regularly experience the effects of hyper-empathy.
My story began at a mall when I saw a little boy looking forlorn and running erratically. I went over to him, got eye-to-eye and asked if he had accidentally been separated from the adults he came to the mall with. He said yes, and as soon as I told him to come with me and that I would help him get reunited with his family, his fear and anguish kicked into high gear. He was inconsolable as I reverted to my training as a teacher and a concierge. I was calm and strong and did EVERYTHING to reassure him. I even told him his Mom could hear him and that she would be there very soon. Very soon turned into 20 minutes as this hysterical child pressed his face against the glass of a store window demonstrating what petrified looked and sounded like. I in turn, through over empathizing, took on what it actually felt like as I continued to stroke his back and say reassuring words, letting him know he was safe.
I stood near the door and soon saw an ashen-faced woman running and searching walkways and stores. I knew her name and called to her, “Anna, I have Toby with me, he is fine.” At that point, 5 year-old Toby ran into her arms. She in turn started screaming “Why did you run away from us?”
I left, never interacting with the Mom, but waving goodbye to little Toby. I knew at the time that it was too intense and an important emotional lesson for me too. As I unraveled my own thoughts of fear and the things that I am petrified of, I started to think of how providing a child with instructions to follow in the event they are lost could have alleviated or prevented the intensity of the situation.
Here are some of my suggestions:
- If Toby had known his Mother’s cell phone number, we could have called her thereby saving us all from the anguishing situation. (He was able to provide her name but I couldn’t find her on Google).
- If Toby had been told, “If we ever get separated, stay in one spot, go into a store and ask someone for help.” (I kept telling him that a nice lady was helping him and that he was safe, but he couldn’t really take that in).
Life experiences can teach us so many things if we are just open to them.